Re-striping the floors, stripping down out of loss, …to quote from recent correspondence:
I must apologize for my silence. Things have been busy. I have finally settled into my new apartment and am happy with my new roommate here. I’m facing a lot of uncertainty about what’s next and yet somewhere inside me feel I know the right thing to do—only self-doubt and fear of disappointing others and perhaps that inevitable fear of failure are the things looming and keeping me from just FEELING aright. But I have pressed onward. In fact, this week has been a bumpy one, taking much effort to keep my spirits up… my newfound collaborator A has sent me an impersonal five sentence email stating he can no longer continue working with me. No real explanation. But of course, he’s given me permission to use the material we generated and hopes his decision doesn’t keep us from having future conversations about dance, etc. etc. Part of me is angry, but more than anything I’m hurt and disappointed, as now I am again alone, a single body, no counterpart to explore that new range of movement of which I only got a taste. I am trying to have hope that it will come again, but can’t get myself caught up in that to the point of not knowing how to move on my own. I have a very hard time splitting my focus, though, that’s just the thing… Despite all this technology and social media, I am a horrible multitasker. In fact, the neurologists say our brains can’t really multitask at all, we just call it that—we can just do many things at one time with less consistent quality… As for the letter writing/dance project that is now in my hands alone…. I wanted to let you know that I’d like to work with some of our correspondence, some the correspondence you sent me from your family, etc., as I begin to move forward with the work on my own terms. “There are always other players—imagined or otherwise.” And I realize now that A was just one of those, and I value so much this dialogue we share just as much as the month-long dance/dialogue I shared with him. Even as you and I pass in and out of silence (much my own fault I know), I feel your presence and support… and your smile.